I think what pushed me to finally type my thoughts was a phone call with my friend yesterday morning. I’ve been thinking about starting this diary of sorts for a while but never put it into action. It’s more for myself, I think, to remember how I feel now. This will also be my longest post! Promise.
My friend was telling me about how she’s afraid one day she’ll stop having the energy to keep going, to get out of bed and go about to do what she needs to do. She’s had it with everything.
So, I’m in bed, in PJs covered in ketchup due to the late-night McDonalds I enjoyed after a night out, telling her how life is all about your perspective. It gets hard. It gets lonely. We lose sight, and rightfully so sometimes. But it’s all about remembering that your friends do love you, that you do matter, and you do have a purpose. And you can see things negatively, or choose to see the positive aspect. It’s about what you make of it; the memories you create now that you’ll fondly remember tomorrow.
I felt like such a hypocrite (I promptly told her that too). The truth is, the week before, I woke up one day and stayed in bed because “what’s the point in getting out of bed when I have no plans and nothing to do today? Or tomorrow?” And I spent another day doing nothing, watching a variety show. At the end of the day, I realized that I had wasted the day away, not because I was tired and needed to rest, but simply because I was waiting for nightfall so I can go back to sleep. That’s never happened to me, ever.
Bonus point: I have now caught up on that variety show, and have pretty much watched all TV appearances by my favourite artists. I don’t remember the last time I spent so much time in front of the computer, day after day. It must have been when I was 14, and spent all my free time designing colourful anime layouts for no one to use and talking to friends from all over the world until the wee hours of the morning. Even then I think I was more connected to people than I am now.
Here’s another thing my friend told me and why it brought her down: “I wanted to go have fun at the Halloween party, but I had no one to call to go out. I don’t think any of my friends back home understand.” I told her I do, so much. We both moved to new places alone – hours away from family and friends.
Here’s something that took me months to admit to myself and others: it is hard. And it’s harder when you’re alone.
When trying to sleep, I like it quiet and completely dark. I wear an eye mask daily. Listening to music while in bed keeps me up and excited. My brain is already overactive – give it music and it’ll start imagining ten thousand stories. Quite the opposite situation you desire to fall asleep. Yet the past week I’ve been falling asleep while listening to a playlist of my favourite singer’s songs, because his voice is sweet and it reminds me that there are good things out in life. Pathetic? Yeah, maybe.
My goal is not to bring down anyone, or to say that life sucks. My goal is to say that you can think life sucks, or you can think life sucks now, will get better and everything is a learning experience. What’s more important in life than learning? Nothing. We do it daily unconsciously.
Every experience is shaped by how we perceive it. I can let my failed interviews bring me down, or I can think of them as learning experience for that job I will get. I can think of all the medical complications that have happened as just a slap in the face, or I can think of it as an event that made me realize how egotistical a certain person is and that it was due time I cut ties with them.
And, at the end of the day, there’s always Kyuhyun. So for when things get tough, here’s his God-given voice.
(Here's more: https://youtu.be/3yzowXIVk_Q )
P.S.: McDonalds is almost never a good idea.