For the first time in a really long time, I can take a break from work – by that I mean, I don’t have anything pressing to do, no huge projects due the following day. I could take a breather. On a beautiful, gorgeous summer night, with a
cute outfit, makeup and hair done (courtesy of an audition I had earlier in the day). And so, in a cruel twist of events, what was supposed to be a relaxing evening with a friend ended up with my waiting alone for her, and then drinking a glass of wine by myself in my own backyard.
Of course I could (and would!) have gone alone to a bar if I had known earlier, but that’s beside the point.
So, being free, and with no work to shy away from or burden my mind, I’m contemplating my present life.
I’m usually overwhelmed by work – and I love it that way. As a matter of fact, my next blog post was supposed to be about being a workaholic instead of this. But here I am, cozy in the moonlight, and I find myself thinking, damn, it would have been nice to be with someone.
I asked my friend, “isn’t it weird that the first night off I have from work in months, I’m thinking about how lonely it is?” I always tell everyone that I’m very career-oriented. And I truly am.
If a guy approaches me, I will tell them straight-up that I’m focusing on my career and I don’t have the time for a relationship. And it is true. I don’t have the time to build a new relationship right now. And I don’t want to get into one where I just end up hurting the other person while I’m busy figuring out my own career. So, it’s not convenient and it isn’t the right time for me to have a relationship.
And I stand by it. I believe it.
But as I was saying to my friend again, one of my acquaintances announced his engagement on Facebook not too long ago – his relationship is merely a year old. So I’m thinking, “wow they must have really hit it off if within a year they’re engaged.” I mean, how does it happen for others so easily and so quickly? Seemingly it just falls in their laps. Most of them will tell me, “yeah it just happened. We met and it clicked.”
What? Why doesn’t it just “sort of happen” for me, or my other friends? I mean, I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship right now but I like to believe that at this point in my life, if a great guy falls in my lap, I’d take him! I’d be able to recognize it. I’d take the opportunity. I wouldn’t just let it fly by. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to let it go. Right? (I hope so.)
So how is it so easy for some, while for others it’s a struggle? Not that it’s a struggle per se, it isn’t, but how? Are we more picky than the average person? I was watching a show not too long ago. The girl, in her mid-30s, said before she met her now-husband and got married, she would jump from relationship to relationship, getting bored of her boyfriends quite quickly. She was afraid that she would cheat on her husband. And she said, “but once you realize that all men are the same, all women are the same, people are people, you don’t think about cheating because people are people.”
I wonder if I need to reach that level of understanding before I can settle down. Is that what everyone else thinks? That people are just people? And you can’t get something better? I mean, it makes sense. It makes sense that you wouldn’t look elsewhere, if you believe that people are just people. If you find someone that likes you, and you like them, that’s already hard enough! Then, why look elsewhere since people are people?
But you look at that girl and her husband, and they’re super in love. So people aren’t just people. You still need to find that person. Even if people are just people at the end of the day. But how do you find that person? Where do you look? And when do you ever think, is that person the one? Or have I settled? How do you know if you’ve settled?
The older I get, the more I think whenever I’m with someone I appreciate, am I settling? Are they settling? That’s an even scarier thought. Thinking that someone could settle for you – oh gosh. But people are just people.
I just find it kind of scary that the first thought I had was being with someone.
To be truthful, I’m happy with my life – I’ve finally accepted what my freelancing workstyle entitles and that has led to more opportunities. But am I asking for too much to want to have someone to share a nightcap with?
This was a couple of nights ago. That night I had a scarier(?) dream. Here’s the low-down (my dreams are always very full and action packed.)
I had signed up with some other people to do this new sport competition which consisted in using a hookshot to hoist yourself up a high toboggan, from there you had to go back down on the other side as fast as possible.